A Brave New World…

7 Jul

Hi! Long time no see! I know, i know! But there’s no point writing when you have nothing new to say.

 

I have lots of things to muse over with you now. I just need the time to be able to do it, then we’ll have lift off…

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Stand Up Against Child Abuse

18 Jun

Stand Up Against Child Abuse

Please check out:

https://actionagainstabuse.wordpress.com/ and join here:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Action-Against-Abuse/143098598093

The Things That Matter

6 Jun

I feel sad today. More than sad, actually, but that’s not what this post is gonna be about.

It’s about the opposite of sadness. It’s about someone who makes me feel truly, wonderfully blessed.

How Could I stay Angry With You?

I’m not often able to do this; when I’m tangled in the knots and waves of very dark despair, i get really pissed off when someone tries to remind me how lucky i am. In that moment, i don’t feel lucky, i feel desolate and frustrated, useless, worthless,, i resent everyone and everything. Attractive, i know. I’m working on it.

Case in point: this morning, i got pissed of at the Dali Lama. Erm…WTF? How can anyone be angry with the Dalai Lama? This is what i read (on His Holiness’ facebook page, no less!) that (in that moment) provoked the savage beast:

Given the scale of life in the cosmos, one human life is no more than a tiny blip. Each one of us is a just visitor to this planet, a guest, who will only stay for a limited time. What greater folly could there be than to spend this short time alone, unhappy or in conflict with our companions? Far better, surely, to use our short time here in living a meaningful life, enriched by our sense of connection with others and being of service to them.

Yes, i know. Insane. For one, it’s completely true. For two, it’s given in the spirit of love and self development. For three, it’s given by The Dalai Lama, one of the most beautiful and lovely and wise human beings on the planet. Honestly, what was my problem?

In that moment, it was the perceived implication that i choose to be unhappy or alone. Is it a choice? That’s a whole other philosophical sphere that i do not wish to enter here.

This is a post about something i am constantly grateful for; my Beautiful Dad.

As i sit here trying to articulate for you how i feel about him, i am genuinely overcome with emotion, with Pure Unadulterated Love.

If you met him in Tesco, you might think he was a bit of a strange man. I guess in lots of ways, he is a strange man. You’d think he was a nice man, but sometimes he struggles to communicate, which might make him seem a bit strange.

He’s in his mid fifties, mind mannered, biker, bald, guitarist. He doesn’t do any drugs whatsoever, not even tea or coffee or alcohol. He almost became a mormon once (they preyed on him after he divorced his adulterous ex-wife), and the Sober-Sydney thing stuck.

But he’s a bit of an adrenaline junkie, he’s a motorcyclist, and he dabbles with most outdoor sports; he likes cycling and hiking, he’s been paragliding, wind surfing  and at the moment he’s got his sights on a jet ski. He loves rollercoasters and camping, gigs and festivals.

Ahhhh. Just talking about him makes me happier.

He’s an AWESOME engineer; he can fix/build pretty much anything, and was an aerospace engineer for most of his life. He thinks its nothing, not a skill, he has a very low self-esteem. But every week, i am amazed by some new thing he’s made or fixed.

Autism is a continuum, and we are all on there somewhere, the majority of us on the high cognitive function/full development end. I think it’s quite likely that my dad might be classed as borderline Aspergers. Certainly in his day, it’s very unlikely that he would have been diagnosed. I reckon he’s dyslexic too; i sort out all his paperwork because he says ‘too many words!’

His family was very poor, and dad had chronic asthma as a child. He was very ill and in a lot of pain, hardly ever at school ( in those days there was no such thing as inhalers; he had to sit at home with an oxygen mask on his face). He was always ill. He got beaten up and bullied regularly because of this. He has a stammer when he’s nervous too – it used to be really bad, i wonder if the bullying had something to do with it. Stammers are entirely psychological; there is no genetic cause and you are no more or less likely to develop a stammer if your parent suffered with it.

He also endured a 30 year emotionally abusive relationship with my mother, which i’m certain didn’t help. During the end he suffered a nervous break down, depression and pneumonia.

He has suffered so much, and none of it he ever deserved.

He is the most thoughtful, kind, loyal person i know. He’s not one for words or grand gestures, but for the things that matter, you can depend on him two thousand percent.  He regularly goes out of his way to help other people, for no personal gain (a trait he get’s from my nan <3). If you’re car breaks down on a cold stormy night, down a country lane miles from anywhere, you better hope it’s my dad who comes along first. Cos he’ll help you, for certain, and he won’t ask you for a thing in return. The world could do with a few more like him.

My happiest memories have been spent with him. He taught me to play guitar.  He made us climb Ben Nevis when i was 10. He took me to The Glastonbury Festival when i was 11, where my whole world view expanded about a million miles. When i was 16, he made me go on what was then the fastest accelerating rollercoaster in the world. Last week he built me a custom-made adjustable tripod, so that i can make better animations. LEG END.

The best thing about him is: he is the only person i am and have always been completely sure loves me completely and unconditionally. I am completely honest with him about everything, and despite his disapproval sometimes, he always supports me. I will always, always, always be eternally grateful to the universe for giving me a dad that loves so perfectly.

Just as i was writing that last sentence, he stumbled in, in his motorcycle gear, big smile on his face, to wave to me and tell me he is back home.

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Jason Baldwin: WM3 Anti-Death Penalty Campaign

5 Jun

Jason Baldwin: WM3 Anti-Death Penalty Campaign

Kindle Convert

4 Jun

Look At the Pretty Birdies

When The Kindle first came out, i wasn’t convinced i’d like it. I was worried about how reading from a screen would effect my eyes and positioning, i was a bit confused about how it would all work, and it seemed really impersonal; there’s something nice about a book, the smell of it, the feel of it, the place you find it. I like paper, it’s familiar, almost romantic. I was also put off by the £100 price tag – what if i didn’t like or use it?

I was convinced to give it ago when i got a smart phone. If you have one (or an iphone), you can download The Kindle app for free. You can also download tons of books FOR FREE, from The Complete Works of Shakespeare, to The Bible. This is a big tick for kindle, natch.

Quick Kindle App Review

Kindle Pros:

  1. If you have the app on your phone, chances are you have it with you wherever you are. Whenever you find yourself with a spare few moments, you can read- a big plus for me, someone who is always forgetting to bring her book along.
  2. Its much easier to fit a phone than the works of Dickens in your handbag.
  3. If someone recommends a book to you at 4 o’clock in the morning, you don’t have to remember to pop into W.H Smith, and rely on them having it, when you’re in town next Thursday. You can buy it there and then.
  4. Books seem to be quite cheap on there, i guess because they don’t have production and delivery costs.
  5. You can get a sample of a book before you buy it – for free.
  6. Books don’t need a bookshelf – or any physical space at all!

Kindle Cons:

  1. You can’t take it in the bath. I love love LOVE to read in the bath.
  2. The apps and store might be a bit tricky to navigate if you are a technophobe.
  3. The screen is small. You can make the font bigger but then you have to turn the page every 2 seconds (not a problem if you have the hactual kindle machine though, rather than the phone app).
  4. You can’t read very easily in the glaring sun (the kindle machine has a special screen to stop this though, so as above, only a problem with the app).
  5. The books tend to take up a lot of phone space (again, as above, not with the device).
  6. You can’t lend a great book to your friend😦
  7. Books don’t run out of batteries! (thanks, Renee)

All things considered, i’m a Kindle convert. But books i love, i will always make space for in good old fashioned, touchable, hold-able paper on a shelf somewhere in my home. Wouldn’t be a home without it!😉

The Difference Between Casual Sex And One Night Stands

4 Jun

I was with a few friends yesterday and the conversational subject (inevitably?) turned to sex.

Having been single for a period of time now, i expressed how i miss it. To which every person in the room asked me why i don’t just go out and sleep with some random.

I told them that i didn’t see the point in doing that, they assumed that i meant i need L.O.V.E for sex.

That’s not it at all. In fact, the best sex i ever had was with someone who i no longer loved.

They assumed that I’ve never had one night stands; also not true.

It’s just, every time i have, they have been at best forgettable, at worst awkward and intimidating.

I don’t need to love someone to have sex with them, but i do need to trust them to enjoy it.

Sex makes you vulnerable, i don’t want to be vulnerable in front of someone who could hurt me, physically or emotionally.

I don’t want to have to worry about my wobbly bits or what he’ll tell his mates afterwards. I don’t want to have to worry about STIs.

But those are not the main reasons.

In my experience, it takes a few goes before you learn what someone likes, and show them what you like. Because of this, one night stands (especially for women) can often leave you more frustrated than satisfied.

The things that get me off might be a bit unorthodox to some, and to really let go and be uninhibited (which is essential for orgasm for me) I’ve got to trust him with that hidden side of myself. It helps to know him well enough to be sure it won’t freak him out😉

That’s why I’m not into the one night things.

Casual sex with someone i trust, however, is completely different.

I didn’t tell them this distinction. Let them assume.

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Back To Blank

3 Jun

I’m happier with t his one than the last.

By Luck Of Birth

3 Jun

By luck of birth

I live in a place

Where guns are not thrust in my face.

Don’t see the homeless on the streets

They’re probably  there,

Just never meet

The neighbours are quite well-to-do,

Obliged to ask me

‘How are you?’

I’ve never even seen a fight

Or been scared to walk alone at night,

Faced the fear of violence or rape

Play dead or run? To contemplate.

Over here we don’t go hungry

Veggies, fish, meat and fungi

Adorn our plates and fill our tummies

For paper with Queens head called money.

I don’t want to paint an incomplete picture

Racism, unemployment – permanent fixtures,

We’ve been burgled twice in our house

Hood-rats, neither man nor mouse.

This place i live is far from perfect

All sorts here;

Some wasters, some worth-it.

For the most part it is safe

People worry about their clothes, their weight

Not if this day they’ll survive

Lucky enough to get home alive.

By luck of birth

I live here

Not somewhere for my life I’d fear.

By luck of birth

Think again

By luck of birth

You, not them.

The Only Thing A Bad Man CAN Do, Is Keep A Good Man Away

2 Jun

Dear Cunt,

This is the absolute very last bit of time and energy i will ever waste on you.

You never deserved 5 minutes, let alone 15 years, of the very best of me. My time, my affection, my love. I literally gave you everything i am, everything i have, and you pissed all over it. It was meaningless to you.

I imagine you think i’m gonna cave sometime soon, like always. Think again. I can feel it; this time it’s different. I’m different. I’m not missing you, pining for you, building up a picture of you in my head that is a complete mis-representation of who you are, and what we were. You can no longer let me down and disappoint me, because i see you exatly as you really are. So keep checking your phone. There will never be another text from me again.

I am finally free, not just from you, but from the Love that bound me to you for what might have been the best years of my life. It’s as if i have woken from a very long, very disturbing dream. I am left shattered and broken after everything.

But i am still here, stronger than you thought, aren’t i?

One thing comforts me. I will never be alone like you are.

You might be able to charm, to fake, to play at being a good guy. But people sniff out the dog in you soon enough.

You are incapable of any kind of love, except for yourself. No one wants to be  around that.

It’s better than before; this time i know i have not lost anything. Last time i felt like everything precious was gone.

Now i know you aren’t worth the paper you’re written on.

I don’t morn you anymore.

You were always nothing. Now you are nothing to me.

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On Blogging: From The Sublime To The Ridiculous

2 Jun

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