Getting Better/Staying The Same

22 May

The first and only other blog i ever made prior to this one, was on LiveJournal, and i called it Blurred Edges. This one is called FringeWalk, obvs. I think I’ve given myself a subconscious clue there, to who i really am (?) or at least, how i feel.

Blurred Edges – I think i was trying to convey the sense of uncertainty, of not knowing who i am and who i am not, of being unsure of myself and others and the world and having no clear sense of when one stopped and another started.

FringeWalk – It’s kind of the same thing; i still have no real sense of self, except it’s about 10 years later and i am more empowered, or at least, for the moment i am. I take ownership of feeling so confused about my own identity, and try to see that as some kind of identity in itself.ย  Fringewalk because i exist on the edges of everything, not really a part of anything, not really belonging anywhere. I can be with this set of people, or that set of people, for an amount of time…but nobody misses me when i am gone.

I can be this or that thing at any given moment, and fully believe that is what i am, in the moment.

I used to see this as a weakness because it can leave me feeling very isolated, lonely, sad, not valid, worthless. But sometimes these days, i am seeing it as a strength, because it offers an interesting perspective. Plus, it’s what i am (or what i do?) and it isn’t liable to change anytime soon. So mayaswell make the best of it.

I’ve noticed that i am (generally) more emotionally consistently lately. consistently low, unmotivated, sad. But consistent, stable-ish, which is something for me.

I attribute this to a couple of things.

First and foremost, i am not in any kind of relationship, and haven’t been for the longest period in my adult life. Previous to this, maybe i’d gone 2 weeks single since i was 14, and i’m normally involved in some kind of romantic trauma or drama, even if i’m not in a proper relationship. For about the past 2 years now, i have been officially single, and for about the last month, i’ve not been romantically involved with anyone.

This is good for me.. I have spent so much of my life holding on to things that aren’t worth having, being in abusive relationships, being dependant on someone else. I have always sought validation from external sources. I think that if someone else loves me, then i must be lovable, worth something, a human being who is just as valid as everyone else. If someone doesn’t want me, i am useless, ugly, unlovable, fat, worthless, stupid.

If I’m completely honest with myself (and you) i still hold this belief, even if i know it to be false. But i am on my own, single, and I’m still alive, I’m still here, nothing terrible has happened. I am finally facing a fear that has literally terrorized me my whole life, and I’m still here. I am not happy (that is because i am an ungrateful twat who doesn’t appreciate how lucky i am, not really), but i am here. I am here, and the sun is shining outside my window.

Secondly, i have very recently moved back in with my Beautiful Dad. He has his own mental health problems that i worry about, but all in all, this is the safest, most consistent place i could be (and my beautiful boy can be). It is a good place to regroup, rethink, heal. Every day at some point it crosses my mind that i am lucky to have this option, that my parents divorced (very recently – finally!) and so i have a place with my dad. I feelย  afraid and upset when i think about the alternative, and the reality for some people less fortunate than myself. Thank fuck for my Beautiful Dad.

So, I’ve been less scattered lately, miserable, but peaceful, no drama. I feel worn out from everything; in my mind’s eye i imagine myself as a naked, broken heap piled carefully on the floor. I know that doesn’t sound very positive, but it is, cos nothing is attacking me (I’m not attacking me?), no more injuries being sustained, no more wounds inflicted to get bruised, sore, scarred, infected. If nothing is attacking me, then i have opportunity to heal.

This improvement is manifested by:

  • Far less frequent self-harming, or urges to self-harm. If i do, it is minor and/or subconscious.
  • Less reactive to stressful situations. This is a work in progress; im not saying i don’t react. But I’m less prone to feel uncontrollable rage. Which means less likelihood of a) losing everyone i love and b)developing a tumour. Go me!
  • Have actually taken the time recently to explore things i might enjoy, particularly self-expression (evidence by the existence of this post, and blog!)
  • Have (very slowly) started to think about entering back into the Realms Of Real Society. I have to keep a toe in the water (fingewalk!) on account of my Perfect Boy, but in honesty, i do the minimum possible,; only what i have to do so that i can lessen my guilt about my mental health effecting him. He has birthday parties, we go to soft play, play group, the beach, picnics, etc regularly. But i hate every single minite of it, i dread it, i make myself do it, because i love him so much. But that is it, that is as far as myself and society dance. I gave up working when my relationship with Daddy Moonbags failed and have fallen ever deeper into isolation since. But, i’ve just volunteered for some work in my community, for a cause i really believe in. I have been stalling, panicking, worrying about it (that’s another post!) – but i do want to do it, and i am trying. that is a big step…3 months ago – no way.

So, in those ways, i’m doing better.

In other ways, not so much. I am still smoking an obscene amount, enough to pacify myself, my emotions, in order to avoid the feelings. I am still very isolated and pointless. Nothing i do has any real meaning or gives me any lasting joy or peace or love. I crave love and attention and affection. I think it will make everything better, even though i know it won’t; the kind of thing i’m looking for or expecting, doesn’t even exist.

I feel hopeless and i don’t think my stupid mind remembers what self-esteem is.I feel like life is only a series of fragments that i can’t piece together. I feel frustrated that i can’t do it, can’t do what everyone else seems to manage with ease.

If it wasn’t for my Perfect Boy and my Beautiful Dad, i think i’d probably want to die. I wouldn’t have the guts to go through with it, but i’d want to.ย  I think about it quite a lot, but don’t worry, i am sensible and i love my baby far too much. There has only been one time, during a very bad period, when i was in mental chaos and anarchy reigned, did i ever seriously believe (and only for a moment) that my Perfect Boy might be better off without me. That thought is dangerous. But even in that chaos, i still had the observational capability to be shocked by the thought, and that shock brought me back to my senses.

I’d never before felt like that and never understood parents that choose to leave their children, even knowing how harrowing living with this shit inside your head all your life can be. But in that second, i did, and i felt so sorry for being so ignorant and uncompassionate before. Being a parent doesn’t change the fact that you’re fucked. It just makes you feel more guilty for being this way, which in itself starts a vicious cycle. All you can do is endeavour to keep it away from your baby, to surround him with positive people, to love him immeasurably, and to make sure he knows he’s worthy of all that love, and more.

I am annoyed with myself for being so whiney and unappreciative of this Life Gift, and then i am annoyed that i am so hard on myself, when i afford others sympathy.

I am tired of thinking, tired of trying to find answers, tired of coping and managing. I am so immensely bored of myself.

I wish i could realistically picture a time in my life when i don’t feel this empty. I try to , and sometimes, in good hours, i almost think it could be possible. I imagine being part of a family, with a man who loves me, really loves, me, and My Perfect Boy, and some more perfect babies. When i picture myself in that life, i imagine i am happy.

But i know that life is an impossibility for me, because i turn everything to shit, i am so hard to have a relationship with, that isn’t a remotely realistic option.

There i go again, thinking love will save me.

Only i can save me. But i don’t know where to start, or how to stop the waters rising.


11 Responses to “Getting Better/Staying The Same”

  1. William May 22, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    I think you may be my long lost sister or something ๐Ÿ™‚

    You not alone in this “fluid identity” as I like to term it.

    Though that may be about as comforting a thought as knowing your not the only one in town who’s house is on fire.

    • fringewalk May 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm #

      Hahahahaha! This made me smile!
      Fluid identity is a great phrase for it.
      It does help to know there are people who feel this way, but i’m not sure exactly how. Maybe it’s cos it means we’re not entirely bat-shit-mental! ๐Ÿ™‚
      Love x

      • William May 22, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

        I’m doing good, already made someone smile today ๐Ÿ™‚

        By the way ..LOVE that book you suggested, just the first few pages had me hooked, I almost missed my Bus Stop on the way back from the book store

      • fringewalk May 22, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

        I knew you would! It was the same for me, i brought it 3 times after lending it out n not gettin it back, i love it that much!
        Glad to be of service *salutes* ๐Ÿ˜‰ x

  2. saymber May 22, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

    Wow….I recognize this person you describe here Fringe! You are SO not alone! Geez part of me wanted to go paragraph by paragraph to make points but my inner voice is telling me that’s not what you are looking for. So I’ll get to it: You know what you don’t want….focus on what you do and be grateful for the things you want manifest….”more of that please!” approach. You want your life to mean something, be worth something, to have affection, love and fufillment…..honey it’s all around you. The very fact you wake up every morning for your Perfect Boy and Dad and do what you do for them is affection, love, fufillment, acknowledgement. The answers to what we seek are often rigth under our noses but we always think the answers have to big, bright and flashy but that’s the lie that keeps us from ever attaining what we seek. I recommend a gratitude list and a vision board or keep a vision journal. Start manifesting the reality you want — you are the creator of your reality. If you believe you are only going to have the life you describe above….that’s all you’ll ever get. You get what you expect. Do you see any kind of counselor or therapist? If not, would you consider it? Get involved in a support group? Build great things my friend — it’s all possible.

    • fringewalk May 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

      Reality is only a Rorschach inkblot – Alan Watts (and one of the quotes i seem to dig up the most!)
      Yup, have tried the traditional therapy route but have not found it very helpful. Maybe i’m not committed enough, but have been in/out off/on thearpy/medication since the age of about 11. I think money is a big issue – maybe it’s just a fantasy and i won’t knoe unless i win the lottery, but i imagine if i could afford private therapy, i might have a different perspective. I’m not saying there aren’t great therapists on the NHS, but it’s difficult to get anything meaningful, due tolack of funding.
      This is kinda a positive post…that will only be evident when i next have a moment of chaos and if i blog about it!
      Thankyou for your good vibes, you’re lovely! ๐Ÿ™‚ x

      • fringewalk May 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

        PS I will do a grattitude list! I do have a lot to be thankful for ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. fringewalk May 22, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

    ps the fact that i am able to articulate and understand it in any sensical way = im doing ok at the mo :))

  4. iamlenise May 22, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    It is nice to meet another fringewalker..So few of us willing to admit that we never quite fit in anywhere..but are very good at observing, pondering many pieces of reality from a close distance, and becoming excellent chameleons..Thanks for sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. roughseasinthemed May 24, 2012 at 6:11 pm #

    There are no perfect lives. And – what is the norm? The one that everyone pretends they live? Like my friend you wrote to me years ago about her husband (to my total shock) saying he needed the correct treatment?

    Day by day and step by step is all everyone can do, and stop buying into the complicity of normal happy smiley lives. Life ain’t easy. Sometimes it is. A lot of the time it isn’t.

    My Dad was not beautiful at all, glad yours is. It’s worth you moving in with him with perfect boy. Stress affects everyone. Those of who admit are maybe one step down the road.

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