Tag Archives: relationships

The Difference Between Casual Sex And One Night Stands

4 Jun

I was with a few friends yesterday and the conversational subject (inevitably?) turned to sex.

Having been single for a period of time now, i expressed how i miss it. To which every person in the room asked me why i don’t just go out and sleep with some random.

I told them that i didn’t see the point in doing that, they assumed that i meant i need L.O.V.E for sex.

That’s not it at all. In fact, the best sex i ever had was with someone who i no longer loved.

They assumed that I’ve never had one night stands; also not true.

It’s just, every time i have, they have been at best forgettable, at worst awkward and intimidating.

I don’t need to love someone to have sex with them, but i do need to trust them to enjoy it.

Sex makes you vulnerable, i don’t want to be vulnerable in front of someone who could hurt me, physically or emotionally.

I don’t want to have to worry about my wobbly bits or what he’ll tell his mates afterwards. I don’t want to have to worry about STIs.

But those are not the main reasons.

In my experience, it takes a few goes before you learn what someone likes, and show them what you like. Because of this, one night stands (especially for women) can often leave you more frustrated than satisfied.

The things that get me off might be a bit unorthodox to some, and to really let go and be uninhibited (which is essential for orgasm for me) I’ve got to trust him with that hidden side of myself. It helps to know him well enough to be sure it won’t freak him out 😉

That’s why I’m not into the one night things.

Casual sex with someone i trust, however, is completely different.

I didn’t tell them this distinction. Let them assume.


Men and Women CAN Communicate Effectively!

23 May

Today, someone told me they find me ‘very sexy’! :O

I’ve known him from a distance for about 8 years, but have only seen him a few times and never had his contact details. I bumped into him today at another friends house.

He’s quite a bit older than me (maybe 15 years?), but i always felt like there was some kind of chemistry between us, though nothing has ever happened. But usually I’m in a relationship.

It was really nice to see him today so i invited him over on saturday.

But when i got home i started over-thinking it and getting paranoid that he’s gonna come over on saturday thinking he’s gonna get some of the fringewalk-pie.

It’s not that I’m not attracted to him. It’s that (SO proud of myself for actually realising this) I know a relationship (or any kind of complication like that) would be a very bad move for me right now, and would fuck up all this good work I’m doing. I really miss sex, but I’m not up for the complications of that either. Shame.

I’ve never, ever been in this position before. Thinking before acting. Putting myself, my health, first. I’ve got to protect myself and I’ve got to protect him, so i sent him an email, which is SO unlike me, i can’t quite believe i did it. I never normally admit when i think someone’s interested, cos I’m so terrified of the rejection and embarrassment when it turns out I’m just a psychotic, delusional ego-maniac with no grip on reality. My email explained what i just explained to you, except i added that i was only telling him cos i value the potential friendship we could have.

It took him about an hour to reply, and during that time i had convinced myself i was completely wrong and deluded about the chemistry, and that I’d just made a gigantic twat of myself.

But he emailed back eventually to say that he did feel it, and that he really respected me for being straight with him, that it would be hard cos he finds me really sexy (finds me really sexy!!), but he values our friendship too so i don’t have to worry, he won’t go there.

I feel really flattered! He’s clearly insane, but it’s still so lovely to hear, i didn’t think men really noticed me, not any that wanted someone to treat with respect, anyway.

I also feel really glad i laid it all out there. I took a risk even though it frightened me and did a really emotionally mature and smart thing, to the benefit of myself and a friend.

I prevented a potential emotional massacre. It’s not a cure for cancer. But i hopefully spared us a lot of pain.

Now i just have to remember all this wisdom and stay committed and consistent to it.

Love and Marriage (go together like a rabid-rottweiler drawn hell-carriage?)

15 May

Everyone’s getting married, or engaged. I have more married/engaged friends at the moment than i do single/coupled off ones.

I don’t mean to be a cynical old witch, but it seems unnatural to me.

I love the idea of Love, and i believe in it; i believe it exists in many glorious forms for people all over the globe. I even believe it’s possible for Love to last a lifetime, to change and grow with time, to be nurturing and to bring out the best potential, if two people are committed to working at it by being patient and understanding and willing to compromise. I reckon what specifically works within a relationship is different for every couple, and i think you’re incredibly lucky if you find something that does endure the trials and tribulations of this life; but i think it can and does happen.

But marriage? A legal contract to define something that is abstract and fluid and experienced differently by everyone? You’re just asking for trouble.

Love is for celebrating, and i get the public declaration bit, and the party, and even the big puffy dress, if you’re that way inclined.

But a legal contract? Nah.

I can only think of a couple of people i know who have or had (seemingly) happy marriages, and they are either relatively ‘new’ marriages (first 5 years) so the jury’s out,  or the are of my grandparents generation, and things were different then.

Why was it different? Why did marriages last back then? Was it simply because divorce was more expensive or socially unacceptable? Was it because male/female roles were more clearly (if unfairly) defined, and therefore marriages were ‘easier’, because you knew what to expect and what was expected? Was it because people were more religious and so they took marriage vows (in front of The Big G, no less) much more seriously?

It feels like no one really thinks about marriage as that important now. They want the wedding day, the dress, the flowers, the rings, the attention. But they don’t think about the lifetime of Love, support, compromise, tolerance, happiness, sadness, excitement, tedium that follows.

Marriage these days isn’t for life. It’s until you get bored, or stressed, or lonely, or your attention is caught elsewhere. People get married 2, 3, 4 times or more, a marriage seems to be a long-term relationship.

I’ve never been married or even come close, so I’m hardly an authority on the subject. When i was younger, i really wanted to get married, or at least i thought i did, maybe because the world expects it. Honestly, there is still a small part of me that hopes I’ll meet someone who’ll change my mind, and it’ll turn out i was wrong…the hopeless romantic in me. But i doubt it. I was engaged a couple of times when i was younger, but it wasn’t as if marriage was a real option, and so really it was just a nice ring and an even nicer promise (that turned out to be worth less than the cost of the ring, which was very cheap).

Statistics can be manipulated to support pretty much any point of view, but if you’re into em, you can see how divorce rates  already high and on the rise.

All my friends are getting married. I’m retreating further into myself.

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